The Only Thing to Fear is ...

The only thing to fear is fear itself ... or balloons, or rubber duckies, or sponges, or colored noodles, or nail polish, or bubbles ...


The first time we saw it, we laughed. It was Kymee's first birthday, and I was blowing up balloons - she shrieked in horror and ran away. Call me cruel, but I laughed when she ran as fast as she could away from the balloons and stared at them as if they may attack her at any moment.

She had a rubber duckie birthday party, so I was surprised a month later when I got a cute rubber duckie with a boa and princess crown for her and instead of squealing with delight she ran the other direction crying. The duckie sat in the middle of the living room and Kymee  never took her eyes off the duckie as she skirted the edges of the wall to navigate her way around it.

Then there was the time I picked up a packet of the sponge animals that grow in water. "Won't Kymee love these," I thought. Andres put them in water and as they grew Kymee's eyes grew too and became cloudy. She began screaming, and ran into my arms to save her. Andres picked one up and said, "See, it won't hurt you." She squeezed my neck tighter and buried her head in my chest. Andres placed the sponges on the border of his bedroom door and Kymee would not even think twice about entering his room. Smart boy.

We never know what will trigger her fear. This week we've experience three phobia triggers. That's a lot for a week.


We had a family Valentines Party. I made a sensory box for the toddlers. I colored spaghetti noodles with red food coloring added a few pink and red toys, spoons and measuring cups. The boys loved it. Kymee touched it and ran away shaking her head. She wouldn't come into the kitchen until I removed the sensory box.

Kymee brought me nail polish, which in the past she has been fearful of. I was surprised when she indicated she wanted me to put it on her. She sat perfectly still as I painted one set of toenails green and the other five piggies blue. I told her to sit still as they dried. She giggled as I blew on her toes. Mission accomplished. I sat her on her feet on the floor at which moment she looked at her toes and started screaming. I should have been filming for "America's Funniest Videos" as Kymee proceeded to kick her feet trying to fling the color off her toes. She stomped and tried to brush the color off with her hands all while screaming at the top of her lungs. If you have ever seen someone try to sling their toes away from themselves, you have to admit it is worth the $100,000 grand prize.

Kymee loves bath time, so I made a special Valentines Bath. Pink food coloring, bubble bath, foam hearts and silk rose peddles were added to the tub along with bathtub paints. I put Kymee in the tub. She froze. Fear creeped into her eyes, and she started crying. Why? She's played with paint in the tub. She's had colored water. She loves playing with the foam shapes. I picked up some bubbles in my hands, she cried more. The bubbles. She's scared of the bubbles.

At face value, each incident is funny. It's funny to be frightened by such trivial things, isn't it? We've all laughed at the absurdity. But who wants their little girl to be frightened of the world? It is a mom's job to protect their child and make her feel secure. I fail time, and time again. It is impossible to avoid an unknown trigger.

I'm going to get technical on you now - hang tight.

I remember when Kymee was little and having screaming fits (which she still has - less often but more violent). Her geneticist told me it was possible that the part of her brain that allows her to self-regulate, may not have developed properly in vitro. This week I was reading a book on how children's brains developed (that's what the nerdy me does for fun) - and it clicked.

The book explained that if the mother is anxiety-ridden or in great stress while pregnant, her body sends out stress hormones and set patterns for her developing fetus's brain "that 'wire' the unborn child for this automatic defense response diminishing the functioning of the high brain ... (The brain in the unborn child than is geared towards) protection and defense, rather than being free to move toward intellectual curiosity and exploration"(Oppenheimer). Since Kymee's mom was bipolar, and was prone to outburst of rage, is it possible that Kymee's brain is wired for defensiveness - she sees things differently than I do? - No specialist's evaluation, just a mom in deep thought.

The geneticist says that after Kymee turns three she can send her to behavior specialists who can help us teach Kymee to deal with some of her issues. I hope the fears are a part of that. It's unthinkable to have her go through life with possible fears creeping around every corner.

Since Princess Kymee can not fight the fear dragon herself, it's up to me, her mom to be her knight in shining armor and fight the demons for her. So I'll duel with balloons, banish over-dressed duckies,  exterminate sponges, discard colored noodles, cover piggies with socks, and scoop bath bubbles from the tub into the toilet (does this double as cleaning the toilet?).

So Princess Kymee can play unfearfully ever after.

Kymee the Guinea Pig: A Play

The Cast

The Child: Cute as a Button. Runs around the office pulling all the duckies off the shelves, opening every drawer to find what’s in it, and screaming when she doesn't get her way 

The Doctor: An eccentric geneticist. A self-defined “quake” who has decorated her entire office in duckies to accentuate the point. She arrives to see the patient with a basket-full of goodies, which rival Mary Poppins bag.  Writes every detail of question and answer session with mom, as well as medical information obtained, and observation of the child.

The Mom: Presents a calm astute persona while stress and turmoil are boiling up under the skin. Sings, "Put on a Happy Face" under her breath. 

Props:

The Book: Thicker than the Bible, with descriptions and characteristics of every genetically diagnosis, except Fetal Valproate Syndrome

Doctor's Goodie Bag

Stethoscope - First time it hasn't taken 2 nurses to hold the child down when listening to her heart

Reflex Hammer - the child laughed when the doctor told her the giraffe wanted to "kiss her knees" 

 Flashlight - for counting nasty, crooked, out of place and backwards teeth - The child showed the doctor her amazing talent of roaring like a tiger

Stickers- to make child very,very happy

Script:

Dr (to Child): Lets see your fingers. Can I tickle your toes? (to Mom) Yep – Fetal Valproate Syndrome, see how long they are and how they overlap?

Dr: Is she always this active?

Mom: Mostly

Dr: She will most likely be labeled ADHD, but I’m not ready to make that diagnosis yet. There’s nothing you can do about it at this stage of life anyway.

Mom thinking: She’s two – that’s normal – she is NOT HYPER.

Mom (to child): Let’s put your shoes on.

Child: Nooooooooooooooooo! (throws huge fit)

Dr: She most likely has sensory integration issues.

Mom: What can we do about it?

Dr: Nothing. Next year at your appointment I can recommend her to a behavioral specialist. But we can’t do that until she is 3.

Dr: What’s this under her chin?

Mom: A birthmark. It has changed some since she was born. It now has texture as well as color.

Dr: I believe it’s nevus sebaceous. It’s nothing to worry about, but it should be removed. I’ll give you the name of a pediatric dermatologist.

Mom thinks: just what she needs another specialist, and another surgery.

Dr: Lets look it up in the Big Black Book. Fetal Valproate Syndrome. See here are pictures of kids who look just like her: eyes too wide apart, forehead too large, upper lip too thin.

Mom thinks: A syndrome which creates beautiful children

Dr: Just what I thought. Nothing in here. Nothing about possible behavior effects. Nothing about related medical effects. Nothing about learning challenges. The syndrome is too new. That’s why I write everything down. Someday the information I compile about this child will be compared with the information other geneticists write down about other children, and they will be added to this here book.

Mom thinks: Good thing future children will benefit from my child’s behavior problems.

Dr: With my recommendation, she should qualify to go to preschool next year.

Mom: I’ve homeschooled my other kids. I plan to homeschool her as well, unless there are resources available that she needs and I can’t provide for her.

Dr (contemplates for a minute before responding): I think the best thing for this child would be to be homeschooled while receiving private therapy. Most teachers are trained and able to handle academic challenges in children, but not as well trained in dealing with behavioral problem. This child will benefit most from having one on one attention and using behavior modification Technics. You are doing the right thing.

Mom thinks: Wow – this is the first time I’ve heard a doctor say this. This makes me feel good. I like this doctor.

Dr: She looks good and healthy, and we’ll deal with the behavioral problems in the future. See you next year.

Mom thinks: I hate the term “behavioral problems.” When referring to “unreasonable phobias” “night terrors” “sensory issues” and “overly-active” (notice I didn’t say “hyperactive”) -shouldn't there be a term other then “behavioral problems?” Something, kinder, gentler – something that doesn't make my child sound like “Chucky” and me sound like I have the parenting skills of Casey Anthony. 

Birthday - Eve Meltdown

Don't let the sweet face and twinkle in the beautiful blue eyes fool you - this little girl can be a stinker!

Tonight she had, what I am going to refer to as, a "melt-down."

Over stimulation?! Too much previewing of birthday sweets?! Super short nap?! Not enough time with Mommy?!

Whatever the cause, or "trigger," it was bad. Two hours of screaming, crying, kicking legs, head bagging, pulling her hair, hitting her head with her hands, pulling her ears, rolling around on the bed, thrashing her body. Two hours!

I rocker her - I cradled her - I held her close- She would cry and toss and turn, and push me away. As soon as she pushed away, she's scream and snuggle into me with her head at my breast. Then the cycle would start again.

She seemed to like being held, but being held seemed to overstimulate her and wind her up again.

Finally, I tried something different - I don't know how I thought of it - it just came to me as a answer to my silent prayer for God to help me help her. I laid her down on the bed and laid pillows all around her - two on each side - her right and left, her head and feet. The pillows were touching her - creating a soft cocoon. I then wrapped a light blanket around her and placed a pillow on top of her for pressure. Just one little head with wispy blond curls could be seen among the stack of pillows. Her crying stopped almost immediately, and her whimper turned into deep breathing. Within 3 minutes she was sound asleep.

I don't know whether it was the security of being enveloped in fluff, or that she simply wore herself out and anything I tried would have worked in that moment, but there is peace on the other side of turmoil. God is good. All the time.